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Complicated
So my wife has a friend that she meet on the internet. They meet about a year ago on another social network. The girl lives in Vancouver and I guess is very ill. From what I know she has a brain tumor that it is growing and things do not look good. Let me make it clear that this girl is strait and is only a friend to my partner. Here is where I am confused. Because of this girls situation my partner spends hours on the computer chatting with her and this has been going on for months and months. I am not saying that she should not be there for her friend. I know this has to be hard on my partner, I just lost a dear friend to cancer last Aug in fact as I type I am looking at a picture of us and trying not to cry, I miss her so much. I guess what I am getting at is that this has started to consume most of my partners free time which affects us. I know to some this may seem as if I a am jealous person but really I am not its just I am feeling neglected. It also worries me when my partner says that if her friend does die it will be hard for her to go on. Inside of myself it makes me question then where I stand in her life. I am trying to be understanding of what is going on but at the same time it hurts to be in the same house as the person you love and it seems they hardly know you exist. I do not want to be self so most of the time I just keep how I am feeling inside but it is getting hard. I guess what I am asking is do I sound self to ask for some time from my partner? Anyone who have any advice?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Seras Victoria on -
Hey Amelia, sorry to hear about this situation. These subjects are always hard to judge because there is "cancer" involved.
So I will just give you my view on it but it just my view alone and upto to really put allot of value in to it or not.
Spending hours on the computer with a girl you don't know would ofcourse bring out question marks. As a couple I think the least thing you can do as a team is introduce your wife to someone your spending quality time with. As a married couple this should be the most respectable thing you can do as partners. So you also regulary chat with this person and you know who the woman in the situation is.
If I were you I would talk to your wife about this situation and tell her how you feel so that she can explain herself to you. I know this sounds cruel but not ment that way but even if you have met a woman online who has cancer it is not always needed to chat with her for hours online ( every day ? ) She could also give her a call or keep it to 1 hour and be a bit more reasonable. I am sure the woman with cancer can get her comfurt in family or relatives / friends apart from your wife alone.
The best way to approuch your wife is to tell her how you understand the situation is serious with this woman but explain her how it makes you feel about certain things. And that you simply demand some explanation or introduction to this woman since it is a great deal of your wifes life now. Its respectful that way and reasonable towards you.... and it basicly has nothing to do with jalousy because I will be honest this situation would bring up question marks with me too. Its weird that your wife chats with a woman online for hours long.
Don't worry hun sometimes as a couple you go through these situations and its just upto good communication to make some compromise for eachother ... you both married eachother to form a team together. Everything will work out fine for you.
Goodluck on the situation
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Permalink Reply by Amelia Brown on -
Thanks for the reply and I have tried to tell her I understand the situation but she acts like I am being jealous and maybe I am but when I ask her to spend less time on the computer she gets mad and places blame back on me. I am trying to be understanding but I am also sick of begging for attention. Its my birthday today and I can not even get one day without her spending hours chatting with this girl. It really hurts and I am just sick of my heart feeling like it is being ripped out. Thanks again for the advice.
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Permalink Reply by Seras Victoria on
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Happy birthday hun
About her getting defensive... I am nobody to judge the situation but I dont think your jalous. Infact I think its perfectly normal to ask her about it. If I were you I'd give her a choice to either cut down time with that woman online and to spend more time on you since your her WIFE.. or spend more time on someone she met online and its going to be without you and its best she just takes her pc and goes chatting with that woman rather then paying attention to her Wifes feelings ( no offense to your partner but I think she is totally disrespecting you to blame you for this ) And to be honest if there is really nothing to hide then theres no reason to become defensive towards you if you do ask a question..... the more complicated she acts around this the more fishy it smells...and when your married I think its a prio to listen to your wifes feelings and respect her feelings and make a compromise instead of just ignoring you completely at this and give you the blame. Thats not how you treat someone especially not your wife.
You shouldnt have to beg for attention so another advice is to confront her with a choice either she cuts down on the time or spend quality time on that woman and you will not be a part of it. And what she has to do is atleast introduce you to that woman she spends hours online with ( if its really not someone she has secrets with she will do this )
I know your married which makes it more complicated to make a choice like this to confront her but please do this because if you allowe people to walk over you once in a relationship they will take it for granted for a long time.
I hope despite all you have a fantastic birthday with people who Do respect you and Love you
Big hug
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Permalink Reply by lea scobie on -
Hi Amelia, I think Seras has hit the nail on the head, she has given good sound advice. I wouldnt have been quite so subtle. You really really need to sit down and have it all out with your wife, and she can't wriggle out of it by putting it back onto you! You are both in the relationship and her actions are affecting both of you. She is being selfish and I know if she is spending that amount of time chatting then there is an attraction there, lets be real here, your instincts are correct 100% of the time if you listen to them!
An idea also would be for the both of you to go Vancouver, to meet this person. Forgive my scepticism but is she who she says she is? A friend of mine was in the same situation, and when she suggested they go meet, the "online chat person" freaked and cancelled the "relationship" And they had been chatting for years! My friend and her partner are still together if thats any consolation.
I really feel for you, its a very tough hurdle for your relationship, but if you are both prepared to work hard at it, then you will triumph, and most of us who are or have been in long term relationships know, both people have to work hard and always keep the lines of communication open.
Good luck darl, and if you need to chat anytime just leave me a message, and i will get back to you as soon as i can. xx
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Permalink Reply by Amelia Brown on
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Thanks guys but I did what Seras said and well now I am single. I guess her friendship meet more to her then me and it sucks and all I can so is cry. My friends here have told me that I am cute and have a great personality so one day someone will see that but right now that is hard to believe. Thanks for all you support.
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Permalink Reply by Seras Victoria on
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Anytime you need to talk just sent me an email or comment i'll reply you as soon as I can hun. I'm sorry to hear she choose someone online rather then you. As cliché as this may sound your better off single then with someone who avoids your feelings like that and makes the choice that simple.I know its tough on you so I am here for you when you need me. big hug!
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Permalink Reply by lea scobie on
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Very sorry to hear she didnt want to put the yards in with you! You are worth so much more than that. Cry your tears, let the heart ache out, then begin again with loving your self, when you least expect it, a beautiful, respectful woman will wander into your life and fulfill you. Take care of you for now and stay close to your friends and family, xx
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Permalink Reply by Miss Viking on -
I agree with Seras Victoria, you should talk with your wife and try to get her to cut some of the time she's spending in front of the computer and also have her introduce you to her friend. The fact that she gets defensive doesn't have to mean that there is something fishy going on though, I imagine I'd react the same way if I were in the same situation as your wife. I'm by no means saying you are selfish though, I'm just saying it's a difficult situation to be in, knowing every chat could perhaps be the last, and to not want to feel like you are leaving that dying friend behind to watch TV or party or whatever. Of course it's an unhealthy situation not just for you but for your wife as well. She needs some balance in her life. What I would suggest is for you to take your wife out for a romantic dinner or something like that, so you bring her back to reality a bit. Make her appreciate having you around, and talk to her about your feelings. Try to come to some solution that fits both of you. You seem like a very understanding person, make her understand you too, assure her you're not jealous or selfish, you are just concerned for her and your relationship. Hmm anyway, this was probably not much help but I hope it works out for you all. =]
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Permalink Reply by Miss Viking on
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Nvm, I was too late with my comment. Amelia, so sorry to hear that... Things will look up for you though. Be strong. Big hugs for you!
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